Mel
Dynamite
Joined: 28 Sep 2007
Posts: 1070
Location: Causing an explosion
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 Posted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 8:43 pm Post subject: Malice's Mistake |
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Based on the comedy of Richard Jeni.
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Malice had to admit, he’d had his doubts about dating Alicia. She was so much younger, so much more innocent. Still, in the time they’d been together, he’d been enjoying himself. For six months, he’d been in the best mood ever.
If only because if she suspected he wasn’t happy, she’d probably kill him.
For their six-month anniversary, they had come to the Robson for dinner. As the maitre d’ escorted them to their table, Malice nodded courteously to other Orycalcos couples - David and Marina (with newborn Johnathan looking out wide-eyed from his mother’s lap), James and Delta (temporarily distracted, of course), and, unbelievably, Mei Xun and a dashing young gentleman.
“Perhaps something to drink?” the maitre d’ said as his guests took their seats.
“Malice, why don’t you decide,” Alicia said, folding her hands in her lap. “You’re the connoiseur, after all.”
“Hmm, very well. A Cabernet, if you please.” With a dutiful nod, and a quiet ‘Very well, sir,’ the man left, leaving the two of them alone.
“Are you all right?” Malice asked. “You seem a little withdrawn.”
Alicia smiled and shook her head. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
They chatted idly for a while, studying the menu cards before them. The wine arrived, and Malice poured some for both of them, despite Alicia’s protests that she was still underage.
“Nonsense - you’re perfectly responsible,” was his answer. She smiled at that and let the subject drop. Nonetheless, Malice began to feel as though something was wrong.
He glanced up as the waitress approached; that was his first mistake. A tiny radio crackled to life in his head.
“Attention - this is the Brain calling the Eyes,” a little Western accent said. “We have two potential threats approaching from the South. Repeat: two potential threats approaching from the South, this is NOT a drill!”
Another little voice manifested itself. “Copy that, Brain, this is the Eyes. We’ve got visual on the bogeys. You got a make and model on those things?”
“Ten-four, good buddy. Looks like we got us a make: 38, model . . . . Holy smokes, Eyes, that there’s gotta be an E-model!” The voice became more frantic. “You gotta lissen t’me, Eyes, do not engage, I repeat! DO. NOT. ENGAGE!”
Malice quickly shifted his gaze down to his menu as the waitress arrived at the table. “Good evening, sir; madam. My name is Betsy, and I’ll be your server this evening -”
“Now hold on just a cotton-pickin’ minute: Ears, did you get that? What’s that girl’s name? Sounded like ‘Breasty.’” Malice fought the urge to look up, pretending to scan the menu one last time.
“Negatory, Brain, she said ‘Betsy.’ That’ll be Bravo-Echo-Tango-Sierra- . . . . Aww, whatever, it ain’t what you thought!”
“- now what can I get for you?”
“I’ll have the lobster bisque, please,” Malice said, still not daring to look up at the waitress’s face, instead looking across at Alicia. “What about you, honey?” He gulped as he caught the look on her face.
“Attention, Brain, this is the Eyes. We’ve got an angry girlfriend at twelve o’clock - close that mouth and keep it that way!”
“Roger that!”
“I think I’ll have the teriyaki shrimp,” Alicia said, passing her menu to the waitress.
“Sure thing,” ‘Betsy’ said, making a note on her order pad. She collected Malice’s menu and walked away. As she left, Alicia turned the full power of her angry brown eyes on him. He glanced at her wineglass - half-empty. Oh ****.
“Why were you looking at the waitress’s breasts.”
Malice swallowed hard. It was as if her voice had taken on a demonic quality. He could practically see her stirring the pot of boiling oil he was being lowered toward. “I - I wasn’t, sweetheart, honestly.”
“This is the Brain command centre to the Intelligence network! Step up the lying ability, the boy can’t talk his way outta this one with a lame excuse like that!”
“Ah’m givin’ ‘im all ‘e’s got, Cap’n!” a voice yelled back. “Ah dinna think we c’n hold out!”
“Don’t give me excuses! Give me results!”
Alicia reached out a hand, picking up her wineglass. Malice stared at her fingernails - had they always been that long? Or . . . painted bloodred . . . ? She took a long sip, and set the glass down. “Why do you feel you have to lie to me, every second of your existence?”
“That is a loaded question, do not answer! I repeat, do not answer!”
The words came pouring out. “Sweetheart, I would never lie to you! Honestly, I wouldn’t, you know that. Just because her breasts are bigger than yours -”
The demonic voice got louder. “So you were looking at the waitress’s breasts.”
“I’ve seen this before, men! She is on full PMS and red wine, that is a DEADLY combination. Send out an universal warning, do NOT be a man, I repeat, DO NOT. BE. A MAN.”
“Aww, screw you man, we’re going for it! Charge!”
“What the - who is this?”
“This is the Testicles! Over and out!”
Malice spread his hands. “Fine! Yes, I was. I was looking at the waitress’s breasts. I’m guilty! You caught me!” He folded both arms on the tabletop. “But I’m a guy! We do things like that all the time. It’s in our blood.”
The look Alicia gave him - it was if a low alarm went off and the entire restaurant was bathed in red light. Berrrrrrrrr . . . . Berrrrrrrrr . . . . Berrrrrrrrr . . . . Malice pressed back in his seat, a disembodied voice calmly saying, “One minute to total destruction.”
“This is the Testicles again - we’re pulling back! We don’t have the right kind of ammo for this situation!”
“This the Brain - we copy. Sending in all begging units!”
Practically cowering in the forefront of Alicia’s attack, the words came faster out of Malice’s mouth. “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry! You’re awesome, I’m sh**, you’re smart, I’m stupid, you’re gorgeous, I’m ugly, you’re right, I’m wrong!”
The persistent alarm ground to a halt. “Destruction sequence . . . paused.”
“This is the Brain - all begging units, continue fire!”
“Sir, yes sir!”
“And I love you so much I’m so lucky to have you and all I want is to be with you forever and ever and ever and I’ll never look at another woman again as long as I have you!”
“Destruction sequence . . . terminated.”
The red light lifted, and Alicia rose, taking her purse. “I’m just going to go the washroom,” she said, as sweetly as if nothing had ever happened. “I’ll be right back.”
About thirty seconds after she left, James came over. Leaning close, he muttered, “Watch your step, man. You just got yourself out of a bad situation. But if it happens, again, you’ll only have about ten seconds before she kills you stone dead.”
Malice sat, frozen to his seat, as the other man walked away again. What had he gotten himself into?!
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"I want to protect you, even though I know you don't need it. I want to be there for you when you're in trouble."
"Wrong song, pal. If ever I'm in trouble, you're the cause, not the solution." |
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